At the tender age of nine, I found myself facing a life-altering revelation that would shape the course of my existence. It was during a routine doctorās visit, a part of my life that had become almost second nature due to my health condition, that my world took an unexpected turn. I am HIV positive, a fact that had eluded me for nine years. In this narrative, I will share my recollections of that pivotal day, the anxiety that surrounded it, and the internal and external challenges that unfolded as I embarked on a journey of self-discovery and understanding.
The Unusual Doctorās Visit
As a child, regular visits to the doctor had become a norm for me, but this particular visit felt different. I could sense an air of discomfort and anxiety that wasnāt there before. My mother, who always accompanied me to these appointments, appeared equally uneasy. Little did I know that this was the beginning of a life-altering conversation.
A Room Filled with Doctors
Waiting for my name to be called felt like an eternity. When I was finally summoned into the doctorās room, I was accompanied by an unusual number of medical professionals. There were four to five doctors in the room, a sight I had never encountered before. Their collective anxiety was palpable, foreshadowing the gravity of the forthcoming conversation. I was left alone with the doctors, with my mother standing outside the room, engaged in a separate discussion.
Excluded from the Conversation
The doctorsā decision to exclude me from the conversation left me feeling confused and suspicious. My motherās reluctance to be in the room only added to my sense of unease. I realized that something significant was unfolding, something they believed was too complex for a child to comprehend. In that moment, I decided to wait patiently until they were ready to include me in the discussion.
The Life-Altering Revelation
When my mother finally joined me in the room, the doctors were consoling her, further deepening my sense of foreboding. Then, in a moment that would forever change my life, I was told, āYouāre HIV positive.ā The room fell silent, and the weight of those words hung in the air.
A Nonchalant Response
Sensing the tension and anxiety in the room, I made a conscious choice to respond with nonchalance. I said, āokay,ā a simple word that seemed to bring a collective sigh of relief to the adults in the room. They had expected a different reaction, a more dramatic one, but I was determined to maintain control of my emotions.
A Life-Long Reality
In that moment, I understood that I had been HIV positive my entire life; the only difference was that now I was aware of it. My immune system had been compromised for the entirety of my nine years, and this reality would continue to shape my life. What brought me solace was finally knowing why I had been taking medication all those years. These medicines were essential for safeguarding my immune system, a fact I embraced with maturity beyond my years.
Controlling My HIV Narrative
While my HIV status did not frighten me, I was aware of the challenges it posed beyond the medical aspect. I recognized that societyās preconceived notions about HIV could threaten to invalidate my feelings and experiences. I was determined not to be confined to a narrative dictated by cultural stigmas. I questioned whether I could truly be in control of my HIV narrative or if I would forever be subject to societal expectations.
Conclusion
My journey into understanding my HIV status at the age of nine marked the beginning of a lifelong exploration of self, resilience, and the power of control over oneās narrative. As I looked ahead, uncertain of the battles I would face in a society that often misunderstands HIV, I carried with me the knowledge that my response to this diagnosis was mine to own. The path to self-discovery and self-acceptance was one I would walk with courage, determination, and an unwavering commitment to shaping my own narrative.
