This blog was written when I was 19 years old when I wanted to be a hiv advocate for Love Heals.
The first boyfriend I told I had HIV was in highschool and I was 15 years old. High school is when I got my first boyfriend, I wasnât interested in being in a relationship before high school.
It was difficult for me because when I first found out I had HIV at the age of 9, I didnât worry about having HIV, I just knew I would have to deal with it in the future when it came to being in a relationship, so I push that to the side, having HIV and being in a relationship at the age of 15, I was very insecure, and I always felt like, I was wasting the person time and I was not the best person for the person I was with.
So I wasnât really open to the guys I was talking to about my status, I didnât feel like I had to because we werenât talking seriously,
In highschool I went out with a guy that would ask me to be his girlfriend over and over again. I knew all I was to him was a trophy girlfriend, and that all I was interested in being at that age, my relationships in highschool were for reputation reasons, I mostly went out with him to hurt his feelings because a girl that I was cool with went out with him and he hurt her bad. I went out with him thinking we would last only for a month, like all high school relationships but IÂ was wrong, 3 months had now passed and I started falling for him because I couldnât believe we made 3 months, but at the same time I became stressed because me knowing I have HIV was boiling up inside me, I felt like I was wasting his time, that he deserves to be with someone better than me. He told me he loved me and soon after those words got to me and made me fall in love with him.
When we made 4 months being together, he broke up with me. Throughout our entire relationship, I felt like he cheated on me and didnât want to be with me because I didnât want to have sex with him. So I finally told him I have HIV and that just made everything worse, it was an unhealthy relationship, that I still battle with today because I do care about him, I did once love him.
In high school I was trying to keep a reputation of myself, the the girl everyone wanted to be with and a Virgin. I try so hard to keep that reputation that I lost myself In doing it. I no longer knew who I was, which led to stress and depression because I no longer knew what made me happy. I liked other guys, and I wanted to have sexual encounters with guys so I did that, but I wouldnât tell them I have HIV because that would ruin my reputation and I didnât want to be made fun of, I felt like if the boy wasnât my boyfriend that I shouldnât tell them and that if I intend to only have sex with them then I wasnât telling.
Teenage can be mean and judgmental and would put you out publicly. Put you in shame and growing up that is what I fear, the public knowing I have HIV, I always told myself if the public knew I have HIV I would kill myself, having HIV is something that I was raised to keep to myself and never tell anyone. Thatâs the worst thing you can do is tell people, your life will end.
Having HIV taught me how to find my inner peace which led to me finding my outer peace. STAYING true to myself improved the quality of my life.
I didnât realize I wasnât being true to myself until one day I sat down and asked myself âZora Why are you not happyâ and âWhat can I do to make you happy â I then thought of a time when I was happy, When I was able to run around all day in the park, In the sand until I got all dirty and sweated out my hair without no one judging me.
The day my happiness started fading away was when people told me what to do and how I should view myself. That I had to meet societyâs standards to be approved by others. I found out I had HIV at the age of nine, I will never forget that day, I was sitting in a room at a table across from many doctors with my mom standing behind them. They let off an fearful, awkward vibe like when back In the day the teacher called your house to tell your mom you were misbehaving in school, and then when you got home you had to explain to your mom only to then get your butt beaten.
The doctors slowly and carefully told me I had HIV, and as soon as they said you have HIV, the room went quiet and the energy across the room only became more intense as they waited for my reaction. On my side of the room, nothing changed, the way I felt about myself was the same. I felt like how I felt my entire life. To break the silence I said Okay. But the energy in the room was telling me, I had a new start in my life, and it only went downhill from there. They had me see all these counselors and educators all the time.Â
The day after my mom said to meâ Donât tell no one you have HIVâ I said Why, then she said âBecause people can be mean â and those words dug a hole deep within me and implanted themselves.
Every day, someone pushes their beliefs onto me, such as religious views, and Society expectations. Having HIV meant I was the devil, less than other people, that I was sick and would be lonely for my entire life. And I knew I wasnât any of those things so I went into denial for six years which meant I didnât take my medicine for six years too.I wanted society to approve of me. These negative influences followed me into my relationship with guys.
The day I told my boyfriend was a very terrifying experience for me, I was afraid he was going to tell everyone, beat me, leave me, and call me names because that is what everyone told me can happen. I couldnât even say it because I would choke on my words, after an hour of sitting in a room with my boyfriend I wrote it on a piece of paper and gave it to him. He read it and the room went silent, then he said you telling me this only made me want to be with you more and that any other guy would not want to be with me because I have HIV â At that time in my life I didnât realize what he said was not nice because I felt the same way about myself. That negative energy continued throughout our entire relationship, he always took advantage of my feelings, because he knew I thought I needed him because I was insecure.
Even though I was insecure I always challenged his statement and I continued to tell other people I had HIV because deep down I knew it wasnât true. Our relationship was very unhealthy because I never dealt with the fact that I have HIV, I didnât know who I was, I was so busy molding myself into what society wanted me to be and not what I wanted to be.
I realize that I wasnât being true to myself when it came a time in our relationship when I couldnât sleep without him I, needed him close to me at all times, I was deeply In love with him and to be so insecure while being deeply in love with someone is the worst feeling in the world. When you are not around them you feel like something is missing from you, youâre hurting so much. You only want to create pain so much stronger than the pain that you are feeling that you are willing to harm yourself if that meant that the other pain would go away, I wanted to overdose on my medicine and let HIV kill me because this was my destiny.Â
But I had to sit down and hug myself and I made a promise to myself, I promise I will get over him. I never broke that promise. I had to learn to love myself before I loved someone else, and my boyfriend didnât even love himself so I couldnât expect him to love me either.
True love is within yourself. I did everything in my power to help myself with my past and upcoming situation and I never gave up on myself doing this, built a level of trust, and love within myself I never had before. I discovered who I am, and not what other people told me to be.
There came a point in my life where, I sat myself down and asked myself âYou have been crying for so many years, when are you going to stop crying? Because crying? Is not going to make HIV go away, the only choice I had was to embrace it and turn a negative into a positive. I take my medicine every day I take it, I look at it as eating, the day I donât eat is the day I donât take my medicine. Since I take my medicine every day I been undetectable since age 15. This means I have less than 20 copies in my body, I can have a healthy long life and have a healthy family and not pass it to my spouse and children.
Having HIV is like everything else you have to face in life, The problem is finding a way to overcome it. Staying true to yourself and not letting other people bring negativity your way.
